Monday, January 20, 2014

A New Year

A year ago today, I pulled into the driveway of the homestead within the great state of Missouri, with my back to my former east coast life. I have second guessed that decision every single day since. I blame myself for over romanticizing the idea of giving up the big city life to live among cows and piles of mason jars. After an incredibility hard 2012, I wanted a change, I thought I needed a change to save my soul and whatnot, and honestly, I took the easiest change I could think of, or at least I thought so. But in all truth, I gave up everything, everything, as I crossed all those rivers and roads to return to the heartland. And now, I have spent an entire year being held accountable for running away from something, rather than running toward something.  A {relatively} clean slate isn't always as freeing and OMGfufilling as advertised. Rebuilding a life with really no plans or blueprints or direction is harder than putting together an Ikea bookshelf.  In an email to a friend a little while ago I mentioned that 2013 is the year that will only be spoken about with hushed voices in dark corners. I wish I could say that I have learned some valuable life lessons these last 365 days, but in this moment, I can't. I hope someday I can, with all that hindsight 20/20 stuff.  There is nothing I can do now to reclaim the days of 2013, all I can do is shake off the dust and keeping walking these new days of 2014. 

One of the most comforting things that my dad would tell me was "You can start again tomorrow," this was usually after a long dramatic monologue, by yours truly, about how I ruined my life, with this choice or that deed, much like the above paragraph. My dad isn't here to tell me those comforting words anymore, but I am. I am still here, and here I am telling myself that I can start again. 

1 comment :

  1. "Rebuilding a life with really no plans or blueprints or direction is harder than putting together an Ikea bookshelf."
    Truth, truth, truth.
    I often wish there was some magic formula to figuring out what one's purpose, destiny, or direction in life should be. And I've wandered to the ends of the earth to find it. And dangit, it just doesn't exist. So we have to keep struggling and searching and failing a bit along the way but we will figure it out. We will!!
    Loves and best wishes on your journey. You can do it!