Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Today

Today I woke up with the thought that my dad needs to know that I will be ok after he leaves.  And maybe I need a little convincing too. So for the first time in days, I got dressed in real clothes, well, jeans and a t-shirt real clothes. Months from now, I am sure that I will be embarrassed by how many people have seen me in yoga pants and with messy hair over the last couple weeks.  But today, along with real pants, I straighten my hair, I put in my contacts, a little bit of mascara, a touch of chapstick. All these things seem so simple,  almost too simple to be writing a whole blog post about. but as little as they are, I haven't been able to do them the last couple days, for they are part of a normal life, and my life is far from normal these days.  But I know life will be normal after he leaves, well, a new type of normal. I will go the store and stand lovingly and longingly at the cheese counter. I will ride the Metro and get stuck in the inside seat with people that fall asleep.  I will curse people at work that "reply all" when they shouldn't. In fact, I will probably still curse a lot at work in general.  I will still talk through movies and accidentally leave my house without shoes on at least once a week. I will still use every single pot and pan and measuring cup and dish towel in the kitchen when I bake at 2 in the morning.  I will go to concerts where I  clap my hands raw and eat pancakes with real maple syrup and and run away to the beach and laugh at my own jokes because I know I am pretty hilarious. I will still be. Life will still be.  And though I feel a hole in my heart starting to form that I don't know will ever be completely healed, I also feel that there are plenty of happy days and moments ahead of me still. And I think my dad knows that too. 


As I sat and talked with my dad today (he is sleeping as I type this), I let him know of all my plans for the future, just to let him know I will be ok. I want to take photography classes and cooking classes and maybe food photography classes, so I can stop taking picture of cupcakes with my iPhone. I told him of all the places that I want to visit and that for real I will learn cowboy songs on the guitar that has been siting up in my room for years now.  And maybe some other secret plans just between the two of us. I told him, I told myself, that I will be ok. 

2 comments :

  1. Yep, you just made me cry. For real. Gosh I wish it wasn't so hard.

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  2. Sorry for the second posting but I just felt like I needed to share it. There is this oratorio called Lamb of God (not the movie by the church) and it is amazing. When I heard it the first time I knew I had to buy the CDs. I heard it right after my dad died and it helped heal a lot for me. Here is one song that touches me deeply in this time for you. I hope you can feel the power of it. Here is a link to a youtube video with it. http://youtu.be/4X9C1Vg9DYQ

    I suggest going to this page http://www.spiremusic.org/lamb/lyrics.php#here

    and reading the lyrics along with the song. So amazingly powerful.

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